Hope

2012-01-27T14:44:00.003+08:00

2012-01-26T23:05:00.002+08:00

The idea of being each other's keeper, ah

common things, cages

2012-01-26T20:11:00.000+08:00

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things.

Henry W. B.

Still coughing like an old machine stuck in the factory for years

Groggy morning; with mindless flipping through the sparse television channels over yoghurt for breakfast. Headed back into the cave of the room and passed the afternoon fully immersed in videos/fighting the urge to properly get down to work. A comfortable day. Dinner tonight will also be quite comforting.

Am emerging from these few days' hits; not victorious but fine; for usually these battles have nothing resembling victory whatsoever but rather, a truce from exhaustion on both sides. Upon shocking realisation at having grown stronger, these scars then seem to matter just a little less - am immensely thankful and all too appreciative for these preparatory shields for the mind. Am also grateful for the respect of personal space

2012-01-26T19:12:00.003+08:00

F o r g i v e,

For He gave

2012-01-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

2012-01-25T10:33:00.000+08:00

People get tired. No matter how much they love you

2012-01-24T23:49:00.004+08:00

Look at me, I'm one of your secrets
From what I see,
you're trying hard to keep it

2012-01-24T23:42:00.001+08:00

A quinzee

second day

2012-01-24T23:02:00.001+08:00

pathological

2012-01-24T23:00:00.000+08:00

Screamed/shouted so much that I had a sore throat

Ran away so much that the legs became lead

when I finally woke

reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality to dreams to reality

Another hit tonight; multiplied and compounded; but I am prepared

But being prepared doesn't make it less frightening

2012-01-23T23:45:00.000+08:00

Remember scribbling this on Zyn's notes during a very boring tutorial

Unfulfilled and unnoticed

2012-01-23T23:31:00.002+08:00

and not at all unnerved

2012-01-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

RY love will be here in exactly one month's time <3

Ridiculous bit of lacklustre

2012-01-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

All sorts of feelings this day; got out of bed so very clinically and continued the day from there. Would describe this mood as reckless and restless, with no visible beginning or end to actions whatsoever; with the stomach churning with possibilities and the lungs releasing far too much carbon dioxide for every oxygenated intake. Am quite afraid that I will one day actively hold on to that one breath for a bit longer than necessary and forget to breathe out; that this body will not function according to its original, existing worth any longer but rather follow my conscious cue. I am not an optimist; neither am I a pessimist. I have no need for many things I would like to have; and through this I know that, despite all, I will continue clinging on to any frayed piece of rope connected to any resemblance of a light glimmer. It's been years of stubbornness, with hopefulness; but this present darkness still insists on sapping every bit of my reserve strength; more than school, family, or any bit of sociality; while I can only politely stand here and patiently wait as it does its work on me. I can only fight against this hopelessness and pray that it will be tired of me someday soon, and perhaps finally vanish with the best and most part of me. I have been working around it. I will now work through it.

Silence is the key to gathering strength

2012-01-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

Instead of being brilliant and sad, I shall be brilliant and happy

A gentle sorrow

2012-01-21T19:14:00.001+08:00

Rainbows rainbows, everywhere

almost more than I can bear

stretching upward like a tree

oh dear rainbows, come to me

discoloured comfort

2012-01-21T16:08:00.001+08:00

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.

Marcus Aurelius

something is not the same

2012-01-21T11:00:00.000+08:00

Secretly think that I am regressing

Last school day of the week ended with dinner with the Moosics; after that incident of sitting in the wrong class and not knowing. Got properly laughed at by those who know me with snide comments but hey, friends are friends; I'm glad that there are those who will walk into my room and throw themselves on my bed instead of politely asking first and blatantly steal my food when I am looking. Dinner was freakin' awesome, if I might say so. Laughed the whole restaurant down, with the waitresses sniggering at us in one corner and me taking about twice the amount of time I usually take to finish my food. Such weird friends. Such weird friends with so much life drama. You'd think that having group conversations every single day would produce silence when we finally meet, but no, it just further perpetuates the amount of ribbing (of G, mostly) and the topic of olden Chinese tea houses.

The aftermath of yesterday; rather floaty but I am still not hoping for anything else other than perhaps a text produced from boredom sometime during the week or a call to say that you've been thinking of me. Am not going to revert to my explosive self that feels so extensively and reacts to those feelings. In front of you, at least. I realise now that these things are personal; and to make someone else feel negative about your own crappy issues just for companied reassurance is just plain selfish. I will find a balance; in telling you so as to maintain closeness and keeping the bad parts to myself. I know that as much as you may not prefer this arrangement; deep down, you understand how it's like. You seem to understand these things more than so many other people.

20 is so difficult to grow into

2012-01-18T19:39:00.002+08:00

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost

strings holding me up

2012-01-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

Stairway by Chiharu Shiota, 2012
(on examining the unconscious)

Two days of exhausting lessons; am supposed to be packing for tomorrow but my body refuses to budge from this chair. Am both in anticipation and dread of these upcoming semester modules and it seems like I'm stuck with the current timetable reflected on my student portal. Three lessons today, with the class intensity dropping in light-heartedness as the day progressed.

Also took a leisurely walk home today through the old, long route just to clear my mind. Met many cats along the way, but they refused my sushi so I got demoralised after about 70 steps/3 cats. Until this one ginger-striped, extremely purr-y cat came and possessively wrapped itself around my legs. It didn't let me leave till I played with it adequately and meowed in thanks after a 5 minute session of head rubs. ^^ Was also very entertained by the Moosics all throughout the homeward journey -- we're very slowly but determinately inching our way to a textbook definition of dysfunctional friendships. Repressed so much of my laughter for fear of social judgement so I reckon that my abs are extremely chiselled right now.

2012-01-16T20:39:00.001+08:00

"I saw that nothing was permanent. You don’t want to possess anything that is dear to you because you might lose it." Yoko Ono

2012-01-15T19:00:00.009+08:00

So excited, but I cannot be excited or else I will wish for things that are beyond my control; and, like time and again, never come to pass. Need to rein this in and let out a bit every once in a while, for future motivation to continue staying up for work

Le sigh.

2012-01-15T16:46:00.002+08:00

Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.

Immanuel Kant

the cure for pain

2012-01-15T16:44:00.000+08:00

Jess S

2012-01-15T00:31:00.000+08:00

It also occurred to me that Jessica is also leaving soon for further studies. D:

Safe journey, dear girl. We hardly talk nowadays but I will always remember the year one trips home together and laughing over stuff (what exactly did we laugh over....?), and your very apt/wise comments that always provided humour for me. It feels a little weird writing to you in this space, but I know you read this from time to time and wanted to say bye in my own way instead of over social mediums. Take care of yourself over there ♥

NICOLE S

2012-01-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

Also, acting on an emotionally needy impulse to rant here -- Nic is leaving (me) for months

I am both excited and horrified at this fact. For months, there will be no one to fuel my impulsive shopping decisions; laugh at my bouts of seriousness; manage to say I'm silly in both an endearing and mocking tone; say OMGIHATEYOU but really love me (at least, I hope so) as much as I love her; call me at the most random times of day squealing over god-knows-what; look at me like I'm mad when I talk about my countryside dreams; and demandingly question my apparent future decision of being a tree-hugger.

I quite like being called a tree-hugger, actually. Hmmm

But I digress. She's going and I will miss her terribly. I don't even think we'll Skype that much because the connection there is worse than the connection in school. D: Hi Nic, I apologise for screaming at you over the phone, by the way. When you're back, we must go on our long awaited-but-never-actually-planned holiday trip together. Please don't die of boredom over there. Please also stop giving me your bullshit of being socially awkward, cause you're the noisiest person I know. Have fun and IMY alreadyyyyy

secret eataway

2012-01-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

A peaceful dinner by the sea, at the secret eataway ^_^

2012-01-14T11:54:00.001+08:00

Wow, this guy

my motivation

2012-01-14T11:35:00.001+08:00

My longing for what I just found surpasses every other longing I have so far in my entire 20 years of life. Believe me when I say that it is the only motivation for me to emerge from under my comfortable bed cover before afternoon, switch the laptop on and frantically scroll through pages for more information.

I would say that I cannot wait for graduation but I can; for it is going to be so mad, tough, lonely, heartbreaking and fulfilling all at once. Am so excited that I'm twiddling my thumbs and fingers in front of my laptop. Not bouncing off walls (like when I was 4 and couldn't wait to go overseas for the first time), because I'm cooler than that.

#LifemotivationFOUND

2012-01-13T18:24:00.002+08:00

2012-01-13T17:58:00.002+08:00

I want a puppy in a box for Christmas someday

what is your word

2012-01-12T22:54:00.001+08:00

A semi-immaculate table, chilly night, pile of books and blanket-fortified bed. What more can I ask?

The Role of Fiction in the Well-Lived Life

2012-01-12T16:37:00.001+08:00

To separate the deserving from the undeserving; and to make those who easily understand better people.

Sometimes I question my choice to major in Psych instead of Literature/Philosophy

Books and words come so much easier as compared to brain scans and disorders

Needless to say, my path will be an arduous one either way

2012-01-12T15:29:00.003+08:00

Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.

Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

2012-01-11T23:53:00.002+08:00

clicking helps

2012-01-11T22:50:00.001+08:00

Make everything OK

bento sets and coffee houses

2012-01-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's lunch and tea with C - extremely refreshing; she always seems to affirm me at the most appropriate times, when I am most doubtful of myself. Talking about the future brought up the observation that right now, it seems as though it is heading to meet us halfway, from where ever it comes from. This instead of us trudging along with our various responsibilities on our backs, exhausted by the mere effort of trying to make this tiny life work without too much damage occurring in between. I think the conversation provided courage for the both of us and fresh inspiration for me especially -- thereby chasing away most of these usual, relentless thoughts of inadequacy. C is amazing as she believes and believes, despite all her reasons to doubt. We have so many dreams; some overlapping and some on completely separate paths, but right now, what we both readily agreed on is to have patience.

Also, through forcing her to sip my chai tea, learnt that she loathes any ginger-infused food or drink, heh

2012-01-10T23:00:00.004+08:00

I shouldn't have..... but I did.

Sometimes I think that once enough of the above is accumulated, it will finally consume me and extinguish this flickering light; and it will become even more evident that I am not enough, for things that are enough for me; and somehow, I will and have to accept that fact.

Home for the rest of the holidays.

2012-01-10T00:51:00.001+08:00

Thinly stretching out the remaining nights

2012-01-09T23:40:00.001+08:00

Any night you stay up for me makes my heart swell a little bit more, in a good way

washed up boats on washed up shores

2012-01-08T22:41:00.001+08:00

This year feels so new and strange

From my heart to the heavens

Jesus, be the centre

timbre@the arts house

2012-01-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

An impromptu and somewhat haphazardly planned meet-up; not exactly a proper catching-up session, but great nonetheless

Am still able to recall the period where we all wanted to murder each other over freshmen orientation - but very fondly, now. Was high after yesterday night at Timbre, mostly due to the company and not so much the drinks; in addition to hearing Goodfellas for the first time; their soul/acoustic style was very much welcomed and easy on the ears. I wish there was more to say about the night but it simply passed too quickly, with too much raucous laughter over silly things of the past and present; and subsequently, an absolutely wrong yet extensive love for an innocent lamp post. Well, dinner plans soon, perhaps. With this bunch, though, you never really know. After all, orientation was a complete and utter mess (of fun).

2012-01-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

Breakfast & coffee with Pris this morning, with the both of us half-sprawled over the seats and not doing anything at all -- best way to start a weekend, in my opinion.

:)

2012-01-07T12:24:00.000+08:00

8 cumulative hours of good company over good drinks

2012-01-06T01:15:00.003+08:00

Think we all require some form of reassurance every once in a while

That everything's going to turn out okay. Right?

2012-01-05T15:45:00.003+08:00

Howl: I feel terrible, like there's a weight on my chest.

Sophie: A heart is a heavy burden.

♥

howl

2012-01-05T15:44:00.000+08:00

Laughed so hard at this

2012-01-05T00:17:00.000+08:00

Of the (lessening) blogs I visit, I have found only one blog that has been written so beautifully, from the start - am awestruck at the intricate details woven between clauses, almost like an afterthought; and the overwhelming humility that stems from the writer. She will always be one of my role models and I will continue to be a silent fan, marvelling at the brilliance of a half-stranger out there who writes.

2012-01-04T15:46:00.005+08:00

It does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live.

Dumbledore, on the Mirror of Erised

2012-01-03T00:02:00.001+08:00

GENIUS

2012-01-03T00:01:00.000+08:00

And on a moonlit night he plays a magic flute in the sky
There you'll be with
Totoro, Totoro
Totoro, Totoro
You only see him when you're very young
A magical adventure for you
It's magic for you

2012-01-02T21:48:00.004+08:00

Have gotten two more movies, my next 3.5 hours is settled

Studio Ghibli, I heart you

2012-01-02T21:46:00.003+08:00

Which do you think is a greater desire: to want to be loved, or to want to love?

two suns/three moons

2012-01-02T21:34:00.001+08:00

Such a nice afternoon despite:

1. The lack of washrooms everywhere
2. The utter lack of personal space (consequence of going out)
3. Headache headache headache
4. No (best) tauhuay (in the world) because Zion Road is too far away
5. Closed book store
6. Opened book store but lack of book supply (for the both of us)
7. Fatigue/hunger on both sides
8. Too many people
9. Way too many people

But your hands are so big and nice and warm,
and that makes up for anything bad I can possibly come up with, really

^_^

2012-01-02T21:21:00.002+08:00

Wicked

2012-01-02T01:38:00.004+08:00

Kiki's Delivery Service: such a heart-warming show

When everything ends well ^^

2012-01-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

Snooty cats have this charm to them

And ignite your bones

2012-01-01T13:56:00.002+08:00

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

What could be worse

for you you you

2012-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

2011-12-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been.

Rainer Maria Rilke

2011-12-31T01:28:00.001+08:00

2011-12-29T23:40:00.002+08:00

The remainder of GA, Coldplay's earlier albums, Rachael Y., and some brilliant writing to complete this night - have taken several deep breaths to properly store these selected words in the hidden rooms of my mind. To remember forever and bring them out for strength on my weaker days

If I could pause the air currently flowing around me, hugging me; and keep this light ignited inside me, warming me all the way to my toes; I will be happy

call it anything but love

2011-12-29T22:49:00.000+08:00

The sun is filling up the room

And I can hear you dreaming

Do you feel the way I do right now

2011-12-29T01:38:00.000+08:00

Have the exact same reaction as Lexi when I read a book that doesn't go the way I want it to go

Can you tell me I shouldn't?

2011-12-29T00:55:00.003+08:00

I see what you did there, hehe

nondescript

2011-12-29T00:55:00.000+08:00

Have been losing track of the days as they pass; the lead-up to Christmas, Christmas itself and post-Christmas. Fell sick sometime after the exams ended and walked around sniffling/coughing/loving my bed even more so; found marvellous musicians along the way and caught up with a bit of light reading. Am currently re-reading the Harry Potter series (only) over meal times and it is still as captivating as ever. Am also catching up on G.A. S8 where I desperately try to be all cool and strong but still almost-cry at the end of every episode. Sigh.

Christmas itself was uneventful, was whisked through the parties and preparation of food and forgetting what Christmas was all about. I still regret going for service and would rather have spent my time alone with God instead of the hyped-up few hours of glittery lights and faces stretched so thinly -- but service is for God. On the 25th of December; I placed aside 10 minutes to specifically pray, not for the day itself, or even the service, but the act that produced the need for celebration. The multiple acts, really. All leading up to that one final act of love and sacrifice which I will never have the capability or courage to replicate.

*

Party yesterday

*

It's been such a great year, with a major transitional change; having new friends and keeping old ones from long ago. I will never know how a friendship is supposed to function, but right now, at this very moment, I can think of a handful of friends who has taken root and comfortably settled themselves in my heart. Those special few who have been sent my way -- Zyn, Pris, the Moosics, bud -- they have become so important over time and I find myself trusting despite my natural inclination not to. How people often believe in God through the beauty of nature or words? I believe in God through these friends. They are nowhere near perfect in any of the conventional ways, but they are so good for me; being there when I cry or laugh hysterically, when I display any signs of giving up or when I lose all hope in myself or the world. They are so humanistic and lovely and so gifted in their own little ways, I hang my head in shame (as I pale so much in comparison). Every single time I am crippled by my emotions, sitting obstinately at the bottom of my wave, someone is there to keep my head above water, using all of his or her strength to hold my shoulders tightly, even when I personally want to drown. They remind me that bravery means letting go of the past and painting a happier future with conviction and determination. They slap me silly (figuratively) when I am in my maudlin moods and tell me to get the hell out of my self-dug hole, into the world and make a difference. They bring truth and grace into my life and make me a much better person than I can ever be on my own. I think God gave me an entire family through friends.

Next year is starting soon. Time for new books, to add to the room's cluttered bookshelf

2011-12-28T22:38:00.000+08:00

"I'm a writer. My characters are my family, and I care about them."

2011-12-28T21:08:00.002+08:00

2011-12-28T16:05:00.003+08:00

'Me!' said Hermione. 'Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery and - oh Harry - be careful!'

2011-12-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

Finding it so damn difficult to love now

2011-12-25T13:41:00.000+08:00

Figured out how to play A Thousand Years on the piano while waiting for lunch, hehe

Excited for the party; the company of the girls will be very good (and very very noisy)

Alice Sara Ott

2011-12-24T01:32:00.005+08:00

She plays this so, so beautifully; I think Beethoven would've been proud

And I don't even like C major

for tomorrow

2011-12-24T01:08:00.000+08:00

God please grant me (lots and lots and lots of) strength to smile

the raven

2011-12-23T14:43:00.002+08:00

So exciting

2011-12-22T23:05:00.001+08:00

Spent this afternoon learning approximately 1/15 of a skill + fighting fatigue from the illness. It was a pleasant few hours; quiet and funny and very whiny on my part but I got no backlash from that so am slightly happier right now. Intended to continue the G.A. marathon but re-watched Tabula Rasa instead. Am now going to succumb to the tiredness and conveniently fall face-down on my bed.

Wicked tomorrow ^_^

2011-12-22T11:53:00.000+08:00

Thank you God, these results are for you

2011-12-21T15:50:00.005+08:00

The Hobbit was the first LOTR book I found in the sitting room's bookcase. Do hope that the movie's standard is at least half as good as the book's.... The soundtrack sounds epic, though

2011-12-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

Sehnsucht

2011-12-20T22:24:00.001+08:00

"Every aneurysm is different; a different approach - you'll know what to do once you get in there."

Chief Webber

2011-12-20T22:02:00.004+08:00

Hello all, I need a Meredith. Any takers?

Requirements would be dark and twisty and as completely unsure of life as me

and so have we

2011-12-19T15:16:00.000+08:00

I have changed.

All the things I needed previously, all the things I wanted previously - they are now faint shadows of the past. I don't need them any longer. Neither do I want them.I want other things that will make me happy without the need to break the whole of myself for; without trying so hard, only to find that I have been living a lie; without fear of repercussion. Here's to standing up and being myself: with all my strengths; faith, love, weaknesses, hopelessness and flaws; to an honest, hurtful and amazing life.

Sometimes we need to walk away from what we want towards what we deserve.

2011-12-19T13:25:00.002+08:00

kookeez

2011-12-18T01:52:00.001+08:00

Christmas bakes yesterday:

Chocolate Peppermint Cookies

Gingerbread Cookies

A special thank you to the bestfriend for gamely going along with the impromptu decision to bake and helping out with almost the entire baking process. Your tenacity in chopping up the candy canes and strength for rolling the gingerbread dough was greatly needed and appreciated. ;) It was a wonderful afternoon well-spent; totally worth braving the rain to get baking ingredients, the waiting time per batch, dissing each other (actually you did that more than me), a very floury living room, and making the kitchen smell exactly like how Christmas should smell like. [Yes I know that I still owe you your payment]

Christmas, I AM REHHDY FOR U

For the one who taught me faith

2011-12-17T00:29:00.003+08:00

When I read your writings I'm always reminded of what I love; literature, so much literature

(so possessively kept within our conversations and fierce discussions on what the author really meant)

books, prose, poems and photos that we never took

You were the one who never condemned me on my self-battles; who never tried to explain away my sadness or bruises or cuts when I walked into school, but instead walked beside me, with head held high; who was the first to view my feelings as a strength rather than a weakness; who always fought for me, even when the rest thought I was too damn emotional; who always convinced me that I had something to show to the world even when I hid myself away

and somehow,

from somewhere deep inside
I found faith (still keeping me after all these years)

and I believed in myself, because you believed in me.

2011-12-16T23:55:00.001+08:00

I remember when this song was permanently on my playlist in secondary school, heh.

2011-12-16T22:57:00.001+08:00

J: "What cake is that?"
D: "A cupcake. A banana walnut cupcake."
J: "It looks a little big to be a cupcake..."
D: "Yeah, it's a cupcake. We just couldn't find the cupcake paper so we baked it in a tin."

2011-12-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2011-12-15T20:58:00.001+08:00

Tiny pockets of carthasis

2011-12-15T02:25:00.001+08:00

I hear him sing and I immediately want to adopt him

2011-12-14T19:00:00.000+08:00

stitched together with good intentions

2011-12-13T21:55:00.001+08:00

Pris, the bookstore is far too girly for my taste.
Can we compromise and get deep blue cushions/curtains instead?

AND LET'S GO SHOPPING
I promise to not be bored and walk the whole of town with you to look for the perfect dress. :)

After the first death, there is no other

2011-12-13T21:32:00.001+08:00

Am supposed to be studying for tomorrow's Math paper; but here I am, reading Dylan Thomas. <3

Will not regret one bit of this current decision

Listen. The minstrels sing

In the departed villages. The nightingale,

Dust in the buried wood, flies on the grains of her wings

And spells on the winds of the dead his winter's tale.

The voice of the dust of water from the withered spring

Is telling. The wizened

Stream with bells and baying water bounds. The dew rings

On the gristed leaves and the long gone glistening

Parish of snow. The carved mouths in the rock are wind swept strings.

Time sings through the intricately dead snow drop. Listen.

What can be more beautiful,

than poems of beautiful visual imagery which engage your senses through mere words?

My heart is being filled up with words of the past

2011-12-13T20:59:00.000+08:00

A truth should exist,
it should not be used
like this. If I love you

is that a fact or a weapon?

Margaret Atwood

TML

2011-12-12T15:46:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

For what you showed me today, thank you.

Jan

So we can cry with hope

And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

mostly for you

2011-12-12T03:30:00.000+08:00

I Wish You Love by Nat King Cole - Cover by Jan K on Grooveshark

2011-12-12T03:00:00.000+08:00

Have been lying on the bed for about four hours now and -- I will not get any sleep tonight. It's like the previous years all over again, only in a different context right now. More personal, more terrifying, more.

What a timely reminder; now almost 24 hours ago. It immediately surfaced the growing fears over these couple of months, the reasoning I've abandoned for self-gratification, the regrets from the actions I shouldn't have allowed myself to carry out, the path I shouldn't have semi-consciously opened within my mind and the excuses I shouldn't have given to rationalise away things (of personal great significance) that ought to have been taken into account.

I am working through the pain. I am depleting the energy reserves trying to not to lash out at anything or anyone. My arms are gripping my shoulders tightly to hold myself together, and my hands quite forcefully stopping the tears in the dark of my room. I am refusing look towards the drawer that holds my literal release of pain. I am sitting cross-legged on the floor, allowing that familiar hum of sadness to wash over me, bringing about the realisation that I am really, quite alone. I am allowing that few emotions to leak out through my eyes when I listen to associated songs, when I see associated places and things that do not solely belong to me, but are silently sitting in my room; loud reminders of my past choices. I am writing the words "be brave" all over this piece of paper. No condemnation, no anger; just, like time before, the almost-loss of hope in this aspect. It makes ironic sense that the first few months of the year softly started this hope while the last few months of this year softly ends the hope - almost like it was never there in the first place. Most of this year has been so good; one of the happiest I've ever gone through. I was however, blinded by my selfishness of excess want; and assumed that there will be continuation of this happiness over the subsequent weeks and months (and years).

Be brave; I have been through more than this.

What have I done?

Why have I not learnt anything over these years?

But even through this pain, my heart is still capable of love

2011-12-12T01:38:00.001+08:00

I will run through this pain

All 21km of it.

2011-12-11T03:34:00.001+08:00

Hi hi you really need to stop crying

2011-12-11T02:56:00.001+08:00

One step closer

For the one who taught me music

2011-12-05T22:24:00.001+08:00

Today, after exiting the examination hall, on the travel journey home, I suddenly thought of you.

You'll probably never read this (and part of me hopes that you never will), but..... I remember how I let you go, those years back. Despite the years and distance and us growing away from each other -- up till now, I miss what we had together; making music using our voices, the piano duets (you were always way more enthusiastic than me and I guess that rubbed off on me to learn more contemporary songs), the food hunts, the night calls of random associations because you were so incredibly creative and original, your gentle spirit, so much laughter at your expense, especially in public situations, your selflessness, your maturity, your spontaneity for my idiosyncrasies -- I miss what we had, and I know that I will never be able to find a person like you elsewhere. Wished I kept some of your texts but it has been years, with various phone changes; but I still have that one letter which you painstakingly wrote for encouragement. You were one of the people who kept me sane and alive through those years, and I am very, very grateful for that.

.... I also remember why I let you go; after seeing all these wondrous traits in you, how can I selfishly keep you all to myself? I will never amount to what you can amount to, and I fought so hard with myself for those few days, before talking to you. I hated myself for breaking your heart. I hated that I had to do it before you got to know how I was like inside, before my darkness consumed your light. You were meant to shine.

[I remember how we played a piano duet in the dance studio, in silence, after we talked; I was shouting so much in my head, hoping that you could hear all the apologies that I wanted to say but had no courage to....... and somehow, somehow I think you did. I believe that you did hear them, because you always listened more than you spoke.]

But that was the past, and it was beautiful that I got to be part of it, even for just a bit. I check up on you every once in a while and am glad to see that you are slowly carving out a happy future; right now, probably with the right person by your side. My heart grows lighter each time I see you smile (in photos, mostly).

- I also think it's okay to write it all out here, because it was a great bunch of memories; you had always treated me well, more than what I deserved, and I have always respected you for simply being the person you are; unadulterated and unhindered by the world.

So....... thank you, for showing me the music in my heart.

Jan